My Inauthentic Motivation
Fear of birth hit me within minutes of seeing the lines on my pregnancy test. My mom, friends and society had me believe that birth was the worst and most painful thing I would ever do. As someone who loves challenges, my motivation was fueled to change my experience of birth.
I did a lot of healing and fear-clearing for my first birth. I was so proud of myself when I held my daughter in my hands that I exclaimed “I did it! I did it!” and little did I know, my motivation to have an unmedicated birth wasn’t fully authentic. My motivation was to prove to myself that I could conquer birth. I see that now my motivation was a challenge to myself . If I had not succeeded in my challenge, I am sure postpartum depression would have been knocking on my door. I know with every cell in my body I would have been devastated if I had to get an epidural. Especially a belly birth. I am very thankful that I was able to have that unmedicated birth for my mental health. Now, I feel so compassionate for my younger self who desperately needed healing.
There are so many lessons that can be learned from birth. Here is my big takeaway.
I believed I had to prove to myself that I would be a good mother if I gave birth the “right” way. It would mean I was strong enough and that I did not need any help. I could do it on my own. And that breaks my heart.
My motivation stemmed from a place of unworthiness.
The motivation came from a place of not valuing myself enough to believe that no matter what the outcome of my birth happened to be, I was a good mom. There is never a reason to feel less worthy for not accomplishing something (an uncontrollable thing at that).
Until I am writing this at this very moment, I did not know that was one of my lessons. That just flew out of me. It is hard to get to core lessons until you are open to learning them. Apparently, I am finally ready to learn this lesson. How do I know? I asked for clarity when writing this piece and planned a very different outline. However, this lesson is pouring out with many tears.
The Lesson I Can Impart On You (Kind Of)
No matter what the intention and no matter what you want, you have to be open to changing your plan. Flexibility is necessary because your baby is an active participant in birth too and may desire a different birth. Maybe the universe needs to send you a birth that causes you to question what is truly important in life. Bottom line is that you have no idea what your lesson needs to be. You just have to listen to your heart and know that your worthiness is not dependent on the outcome. Then, in a space free of self-judgement, the answer to your lesson will reveal itself.
You are strong, powerful, and valued no matter what happens during your birth. Do not question your self-worth, your value or your ability to be a mother on your birth outcome. You already are all those things, regardless of what happens.
Only you can diminish your value. I hope these words of reflection inspire you to approach birth with an open heart.